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How to get the most out of counselling

4/28/2015

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It is normal to feel nervous and unsure when you are thinking about attending for counselling. There is a lot of information about counsellors and counselling portrayed on the internet and in the media from Dr. Phil and in movies to people’s opinions about counselling (whether they've ever attended therapy or not!).

- When considering attending for counselling one of the most important aspects is that feel comfortable with the therapist. Most counsellors have a website which can give you a sense of who they are, if they have any specialties, and how they can help you. Feel free to call the counsellor and ask how they would see helping you with your issue. Even if you attend a couple of sessions with the counsellor and don’t feel they are a fit, say so, and ask if they know of someone they could refer you to. It may seem awkward, but remember you are the consumer. Counsellors understand they can’t help everyone, so the counsellor should be willing to help you locate another counsellor who may be a better fit for you.

- Prior to attending your first meeting with the counsellor, it can be helpful to have thought about exactly what the issue or issues are that you want to discuss with the counsellor. Being as specific as possible will help you use the time with the counsellor most effectively. Being clear about what is being impacted in your life, for how long, others involved in the problem and any other specifics you can think of will help focus the counselling meeting and provide greater clarity. For example, if you tell the counsellor you are experiencing anxiety, the counsellor will need to ask a whole bunch of questions to determine where the anxiety is affecting your life. If instead, you are able to tell the counsellor that you feel highly anxious when you give talks at work, this will start with a much smaller focus and allow you to be closer to getting onto solving the issue. 

- Having a goal assists both you and the counsellor. It can provide a clear path of where the counselling meetings will go. Continuing with the example of anxiety about public speaking…the goal may be to gain feelings of confidence when talking in front of a group. By having a specific picture of what life will look like when the current problem is solved helps to know whether the counselling is helping you get closer to that goal and when counselling has succeeded.

Questions for you to consider prior to entering counselling:

1)      How would I describe what is going on in my life right now?

2)      What is the impact of the problem on my life?

3)      How long has it been going on for?

4)      Are there others involved in the issue?

5)      How have you previously tried to solve this problem?

6)      What would your life look like if this problem was solved?

7)      What is a specific goal you have for counselling?

The more precise you can be about what you are attending counselling for and having a goal may help you:

       - Make the most use of your time with the counsellor.

       - Make counselling more effective.

       - May help shorten the time attending for counselling.

Feel free to call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email me at heather@discoverycounselling.ca to see if we might be a good fit to work together.


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Squished between parents and children

1/27/2015

 
It’s called the Sandwich generation for a reason…you feel squished between the needs of your parents and your children! The pressure of trying to handle it all can become too much. There can be feelings of guilt, resentment and confusion. You might have questions such as:

·         Am I making the right decision for my parents and my family?
·         What about me? Who takes care of me?
·         I’m physically and mentally exhausted, how do I keep going?
·         Why isn't my brother/sister/family member helping out?

You might be feeling exhausted, like you can’t keep going. Or maybe you feel angry most of your day, especially at those you love the most. If is it feeling too much, it might be a good time to take a look at your situation and see if there are areas that can change. There are different parts to look at when you want to start to deal with your care-giving role. Some things to consider are:
·         What do you want your care-giving to look like?
               o   You may want to continue to have a high level of involvement with both your parents and children, or     
                     there might be certain tasks or events that you wished you didn't have to be involved in. Be honest about 
                     how you feel. Be aware of “I should…” or “It is expected of me…” as these can be hints to the areas 
                    where you may be experiencing the highest levels of stress and that need to change.
·         Are there others who you believe could be involved?
               o   Make a list of those others and what you think they could do for your parents, children or you.
·         Can you consider other services to help?
               o   Research on the internet what other services might be available in your community – there are free and 
                     pay services.

As much as you believe you are super human and able to handle anything thrown our way, everyone has their limits. The most important question is even if we could handle it all, do we want to handle it all?

Consider your boundaries. Boundaries help you and others. If you haven’t taken care of yourself then you won’t be doing your best to take care of your parents or your children or partner. The important first step is to be honest with yourself about how you are handling everything that is currently going on. If you continue to brush it off or think “I’ll just do this one thing and everything will be better” you are fooling yourself! Taking a clear look at where your life energy is going right now, is a stepping stone to making changes that will be healthier for you and for those around you.

Making changes

When you do make changes, be prepared that others will resist or act angry, especially if that has worked for them in the past. If there is a family expectation that you are the only one responsible for certain tasks, be aware that changes might not happen overnight. Persistence is the key. Remembering that you are making these changes both for your own health and well-being, but also when you have more energy and time, your children and partner will appreciate it. There are always trade-offs to the choices we make….which choices will you make today?

If you would like to talk about your experience of living in a sandwich and receive support to exploring a different way of handling it all, give Heather a call at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Getting ready for next Christmas already?

1/13/2015

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So now that another Christmas season is over, think back to how it went. Were you stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed? Have you vowed to do things different next Christmas? If so, now is the time to start taking steps to change things.

  • Start by thinking about what you liked about this past Christmas. Write these down.
  • Then, think back to previous Christmases – even back to your childhood. What did you like?
  •  Next, think about what would you like to change?
                      For example: Your level of stress?  The location of Christmas dinner? Who you                                 spend Christmas with?
  • Make a list of things to change 
  •  Then, take some time to brainstorm some ways to make changes. Get your family and friends to help suggest new ways to make changes.

By now you should have 2 lists:
  • First list of what you like about previous Christmases and would like to incorporate into your own celebrations
  • Second list of what you want to change and some possible solutions

The next thing to do is to take your calendar (or go into your calendar on your phone or computer) and start planning backwards from Christmas.
  • Plan when to start to do things
          For example – do you need to talk with your parents or other relatives about where you will be holding Christmas next year? The bigger the change, the better it will be to give more notice. Nobody likes to have their age old assumptions changed at the last minute – “but, we always go to Auntie’s house on Christmas Eve”.
             When you need to talk to others, it will be helpful for you to be able to articulate your reasons for the change. Now in some circumstances, there is no need to tell people your reason, but if it is something that has been done for years and is assumed to be done the same way every year, it may go over better if your reasons, such as easier on the kids, more enjoyable, less stress, etc., are discussed.

          NOTE: Take into consideration with who you are discussing the changes. You may feel more comfortable discussing more detail with some people than others. Just be aware if you believe this is an individual who will have an argument for every reason you have for change, you may need to stick to an easier, more repeatable message without a lot of detail. Know your audience!

  • If you make the plan on an electronic calendar you have the advantage of setting up reminders
  •  By thinking backwards from when you want the task done, it can be easier to pace out tinier, more manageable steps.
  • Break down each task into specific, next action step. This makes it more doable and more likely to get done.

For example, sending out Christmas cards/letters/emails can include:
            - The name list
            - Gathering addresses
            - Buying the cards

            - Buying stamps
            - Addressing the cards

These are steps that can be done one at a time and can be completed before the Christmas season.


With pre-thought and pre-planning you can make your next Christmas more enjoyable and less stressful!

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?

12/28/2014

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Dealing with house guests over the Christmas season? Going to family events? 

Although the ads and songs call this the most wonderful time of the year, spending time with family members can sometimes be anything but wonderful! Think “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” and Cousin Eddie! It can be stressful being around the individual who becomes obnoxious after drinking; the person who talks non-stop; or the person who always says something with which you feel uncomfortable.

If you know that you will be spending time with an individual who is not your favourite person, it can be best to plan ahead on how you want to handle the person or situation. If you know that a person starts to become belligerent once they have been drinking too much, plan an early escape. Or can you offer to help walk around with hors d’oeuvres so that you don’t get stuck with the non-stop talking relative?

  • Start by picturing the individual and what their usual behaviours or lines are (you've dealt with him or her before so you know what the usual routine is). 

  • What is the worst part of the situation? 

  • Start to brain storm what ways you can deal with the person or situation. Get creative! Is there someone (sibling, cousins) that you can collaborate with?

  •  If you can’t think of anything, try asking your friends or coworkers how they deal with an individual who behaves in a specific way or says certain things.  Everyone has a story about a person or situation when they felt uncomfortable or awkward and have come up with great ways to handle the difficult relatives.


Remember, in the end, you can only control your own behaviour and how you respond, not what the other person is doing.
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Christmas stress?

12/23/2014

 
As Christmas day draws near, does your level of stress continue to grow? There is a certain franticness that grows as Christmas gets closer.

By now the school plays and concerts may be over, but there are still presents to buy, wrapping to be done, food to prepare, and parties to host.  The endless “to-do” lists and thinking of “just one more thing” that needs to be done can lead to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Once the feelings of stress start, it can quickly spiral into feelings of guilt, resentment, and anger and thoughts of “not again”, “why am I doing this?” or “why doesn’t anyone help out?”

Last year did you vow to do things differently “next Christmas” only to feel like that Christmas has come again too fast? While it may seem that it is too late to change the feelings of chaos and overwhelm for this year, I have a few suggestions that while they probably won’t change everything this year, they can help you feel saner and make things more manageable. Some of these suggestions may be easier for you to do than others.

  • Put on some Christmas music! While wrapping presents, cleaning the house and preparing food, listening to upbeat music can help relax and provide a change in mood. 
  • While wrapping the presents, writing Christmas cards and even cleaning the house take a moment to be thankful that you have a house to clean, friends and family to buy presents for, and stores from which to buy safe food.
  • Breathe…take a couple of deep breaths and feel the relaxation enter your body from head to toe. At each breath, focus on releasing tight muscles and relaxing a different part of the body working from your head down to your toes. 
  • Ask for help. Thinking that you need to be wonder woman and do it all yourself is a sure fire way to become resentful and angry. Even those closest to you can’t read your mind and may be guessing that since you aren’t asking for help, you want to handle it all yourself.
  • Take a short walk. Walking to the end of the driveway and back or around the block can help reduce the feelings of stress and give you a break from the noise and busyness in your house.
  • Drink tea. Again, something you can enjoy while taking a break or if you must while still wrapping presents or other household activities. Drinking chamomile or peppermint tea can be relaxing. Try focusing on the present moment or a pleasant thought every time you take a sip of your tea. 
  • Spend time with your pet. Cuddling, patting, playing or brushing with a pet can help to decrease your stress and may even make you smile!!

People tend to remember how they felt in a situation more than they will remember if there was the perfect amount of gravy or mashed potatoes. Relaxing and enjoying the moment can go a long way to make the season more pleasant for you and those around you.

Do you have favourite ways to relax and enjoy Christmas? Go and enjoy!

What is gratitude good for?

11/23/2014

 

At this time of the year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, people seem to start paying greater attention to gratitude.

Being thankful for even seemingly every day events or objects can help change your view of your day or your life. Gratitude has been found to
help with stress, anxiety and depression, and to make up people more content and happier in their lives.

Turning on the light switch in the kitchen the other day, I was thinking about how in order to have light in their houses, people had to have candles. And they weren't lighting those candles with lighters or with those packages of cardboard matches either!! To think that within the last 200 years, the light bulb was invented and has become common place. I look at a light bulb, especially the current spirally ones and marvel that someone figured out how to put those particular parts together to create light!

Or, choose an event most of us take for granted such as walking or brushing your teeth, and imagine what your life would be life if these weren't so automatic or assumed. How grateful are you that you have clean teeth when you head off to work?

Taking time every day, even a few minutes, to stop and appreciate all the seemingly ordinary objects or events going on in our lives, can lead to increased contentment and decreased feelings of stress. Sometimes it is suggested that you take time at the end of every day and write out a list of a few things for which you are grateful. While this is a great idea and works well for many, when everything seems to be going wrong in your life or you are exhausted at the end of the day, sitting down to write out a list can seem like a monumental task!

Instead of writing down a gratitude list, chose one object, and spend a few minutes thinking about how the object was created and how much it has changed our lives and probably made our lives easier (you can write too if you want, but I recommend starting with thinking). Or, take a daily event that may seem ordinary and contemplate all that it takes to complete that event or handle the situation.

Here are a few tips to starting the practice of gratitude:

1)      Start small – plan for 1-5 minutes max to think about the ordinary object or event in the day.
 2)      I recommend starting with thinking rather than writing to make it easier for yourself. The easier it is, the more likely you will keep at it. When you decide to write it down this involves more steps such as getting a notebook, and pen. Increasing the complexity of the task will decrease the chance you will continue the practice. The roadblocks start with finding a notebook and then a pen, and by the time you've done those you could have already taken the couple of minutes to be grateful.
 3)      By starting with a short period of time it means it will be less likely that your mind will drift. If you find that your mind still wanders to what is causing you stress that is okay. Just notice it and return to the object or event.

With the increased amount of stress this time of the year, it is a great time to start with the practice of being thankful! Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.

Anxiety, anxiety everywhere

10/23/2014

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Anxiety, along with depression and stress are the most common reasons for people to visit their doctors. When experiencing anxiety you may feel frightened and alone. I’ve included some books suggestions for educating yourself on anxiety and the possible treatments (should I take medications? Attend for counselling?) as a good place to start.
 ·       Feeling Good by David Burns
·        When Panic Attacks by David Burns
·        Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life by Steve Hayes

Sometimes we notice anxiety in our children. Here are a few books to look at if you think your child is experiencing anxiety.

·       Freeing Your Child from Anxiety by Tamar Chansky
·       Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents by Reid Wilson & Lynn Lyons

Check out your local library for these books and other books on anxiety. Most books on anxiety are based on Cognitive-behavioural therapy or mindfulness. Both of these methods have been found helpful for people with anxiety. If you believe you are experiencing anxiety it is recommended to attend to your doctor to ensure there are no physical reasons for your symptoms and also to discuss whether medications might be helpful.

If you have any questions or would like to start getting a handle on your anxiety or stress please contact Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at
heather@discoverycounselling.ca

 

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Who has time for self-care?

10/5/2014

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You are up first thing in the morning, making lunches, getting your children to daycare, making it to work “just in time”, working all day. Then it starts all over again in reverse…picking your children from daycare, stopping at the grocery store, making dinner, doing laundry and then falling into bed exhausted every night. Sound familiar?

This is unfortunately all too common in today’s day and age. Being “so busy” is now the new sign of how important your life is. However, in reality, how is being “so busy” working for you?

When the topic of “self-care” comes up, it can feel like another thing on the to-do list, like one more thing that has to be done.

The idea of self-care has been seen as selfishness and being unnecessary…I don’t have time for that! It is the thought that you can’t be successful if you don’t keep going and going. However, some of the most successful people are the ones who know how to work hard, but also include play and relaxation in their lives.

When you don’t stop all day and take a breath you wear ourselves out and become exhausted, grumpy, angry, and start experiencing physical health problems. You know that a car needs gas before it reaches the critical empty light…well, so too do you!

At the basic level, how are you helping your family and your employment when you are not functioning at your highest level? When you are burned out and ill? This can start the endless cycle of being overwhelmed, snapping at the family, feeling guilty and vowing to do it differently tomorrow.

At a higher level, what do you want to see when you look back on your life? Is this the memories you want to create for you and your family?

If you have children, you are also modelling for them on how to live. Rates of childhood anxiety are increasing as their lives become increasingly structured and packed with activities. And as they begin to see the most important people in their lives (you their parents) overwhelmed, they experience the “so busy” as the normal pace of life.

What are some ideas you can come up with for self-care that are enjoyable for you?

When starting to introduce self-care it may help you to read some of my earlier blogs on introducing new habits. Remember to take it slow. Doing a whole live overhaul at one time will lead to crashing and burning because it is too much. Pick one tiny area and see what change could be made to make life a little less busy. Many times small changes will lead to a ripple effect on other areas of your life.

Feel free to give me a call (604-375-3010) or email (heather@discoverycounselling.ca) if you would like some support in starting a new self-care routine.

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Pairing the new habit

8/26/2014

 
When you choose to change a behaviour or introduce a new habit it is helpful to tie this behaviour to an existing, specific trigger. Whenever that trigger occurs it will lead to an increased chance that the new behaviour will occur.

For example, every morning when you wake up you go to into the bathroom to brush your teeth. The trigger is waking up and getting out of bed and the behaviour is brushing your teeth. The behaviour of brushing your teeth may then trigger the behaviour of getting dressed and so on until you are ready for the day.

Once you’ve decided on your new behaviour, then examine your daily routine for an appropriate trigger to go with that behaviour. The trigger could be an event or something that occurs regularly already in your life. It becomes “if X happens” then “I will do Y”. If you want to drink more water, then choosing to have a glass of water after you go to the washroom may be good trigger because going to the washroom is something that is done repeatedly throughout the day.

This method is also useful when a trigger is an emotion. For instance, if you yell at people every time you feel anger, then the initial feeling of anger is the trigger. Having decided that you want to take 3 deep breathes before responding whenever you feel the anger you would then work at noticing the emotion of anger and at that point would tell yourself to take 3 deep breathes before you responded.

After deciding on the trigger, it is important to mentally rehearse the trigger occurring along with the new behaviour.  By picturing the trigger happening and then how you will do the new behaviour will make it easier for you to remember the new behaviour when the trigger does happen.

Action step – Pick your new behaviour, and the trigger. If you feel more comfortable, begin with mentally rehearsing doing the new behaviour every time the trigger occurs. Otherwise, jump in and try doing the new behaviour whenever you notice the trigger.

In my next blog, I will have some more tips to help strengthen the likelihood that the behaviour will occur.

If you want some individual help and support with changing your behaviours or starting a new habit give me a call at 604-375-3010 or email me at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Different way, different outcome.

7/25/2014

 
What I thought could be one blog about changing habits is going to be blogged about over the next couple of blogs as there are many different part to consider to put together a successful plan for change.

Picture a child just starting to take their first steps. She stands up, takes one little step, wobbles and falls back down. Imagine the adults and caregivers then saying to the child “well, you failed on your first attempt, so that is it. You won’t every walk”.

Sounds crazy right??

Yet, this is exactly what we do once we become adults. We try a new skill or behaviour and if we aren’t perfect on the first attempt we feel ashamed, berate ourselves, and give up.

My question is: why do we believe during childhood that “practice makes perfect” and yet in adulthood everything is supposed to be perfect on the first attempt?

If we are trying to change a habit, or learn a new skill, we won’t be perfect the first time. Like an athlete learning a new sport, any new skill or behaviour takes time and repetition. It is important to recognize that before you start to change the behaviour. We must include in the plan how we want to handle it when we are not successful at the first attempt change - if it doesn't turn out perfectly or is a downright failure.

This is where self-compassion and encouragement comes into place. As much as we believe that being compassionate is being too soft on ourselves and will excuse us from not reaching our goal, the research shows the opposite. When we start to emotionally and cognitively beat ourselves up, this leads to frustration, guilt, and embarrassment. When we experience these negative emotions our brains work to figure out the quickest way to get rid of these emotions. This usually leads to doing more of the same behaviour that lead us to feel guilty in the first place (think 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cookie), and returning to the negative cycle.

Instead, we can turn that around and recognize we are only starting this new behaviour and rather than talking down to ourselves we use our inner voice to encourage ourselves to keep going and to try again. Being understanding towards ourselves will decrease the negative feelings and thoughts, and allow the space to be able to make a different choice and respond differently. This leads to a different cycle and different outcomes.

Another way to look at it is to think about what you would say to your best friend who was in the same situation...would you tell them how horrible it was that they didn’t succeed or would you offer words of support and encouragement?

Example:

-  Option A: Plan was to eat healthy foods, but ate a cookie during coffee break. Feeling guilty for not following the plan and start to talk negatively to self – “oh I wasn’t going to do that. I told myself this morning I wasn’t going to do this and here I am eating a cookie. I am so weak. I’m a failure”....on and on it goes. Feel really bad so eat another cookie.

-  Option B: Plan to increase proportion of healthy foods eaten in the day, but ate a cookie during coffee break. Self-compassion response - realize that one cookie isn’t going to make or break a healthy eating plan, you are just starting to change this behaviour, eating 100% healthy every day is pretty much impossible. Taking a deep breath and a step back allows you to make a different choice now instead eating another cookie.

See the possibility for a different outcome?

I will continue discussing the parts of changing a habit next time. In the mean time, try to catch yourself in the guilt, frustration and negative thoughts. Stop and offer yourself a few words of encouragement. Let me know if you have any questions or need some support in doing this.

heather@discoverycounselling.ca
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    I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I work with individuals to help them get the life they truly want.

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