It’s called the Sandwich generation for a reason…you feel squished between the needs of your parents and your children! The pressure of trying to handle it all can become too much. There can be feelings of guilt, resentment and confusion. You might have questions such as:

·         Am I making the right decision for my parents and my family?
·         What about me? Who takes care of me?
·         I’m physically and mentally exhausted, how do I keep going?
·         Why isn't my brother/sister/family member helping out?

You might be feeling exhausted, like you can’t keep going. Or maybe you feel angry most of your day, especially at those you love the most. If is it feeling too much, it might be a good time to take a look at your situation and see if there are areas that can change. There are different parts to look at when you want to start to deal with your care-giving role. Some things to consider are:
·         What do you want your care-giving to look like?
               o   You may want to continue to have a high level of involvement with both your parents and children, or     
                     there might be certain tasks or events that you wished you didn't have to be involved in. Be honest about 
                     how you feel. Be aware of “I should…” or “It is expected of me…” as these can be hints to the areas 
                    where you may be experiencing the highest levels of stress and that need to change.
·         Are there others who you believe could be involved?
               o   Make a list of those others and what you think they could do for your parents, children or you.
·         Can you consider other services to help?
               o   Research on the internet what other services might be available in your community – there are free and 
                     pay services.

As much as you believe you are super human and able to handle anything thrown our way, everyone has their limits. The most important question is even if we could handle it all, do we want to handle it all?

Consider your boundaries. Boundaries help you and others. If you haven’t taken care of yourself then you won’t be doing your best to take care of your parents or your children or partner. The important first step is to be honest with yourself about how you are handling everything that is currently going on. If you continue to brush it off or think “I’ll just do this one thing and everything will be better” you are fooling yourself! Taking a clear look at where your life energy is going right now, is a stepping stone to making changes that will be healthier for you and for those around you.

Making changes

When you do make changes, be prepared that others will resist or act angry, especially if that has worked for them in the past. If there is a family expectation that you are the only one responsible for certain tasks, be aware that changes might not happen overnight. Persistence is the key. Remembering that you are making these changes both for your own health and well-being, but also when you have more energy and time, your children and partner will appreciate it. There are always trade-offs to the choices we make….which choices will you make today?

If you would like to talk about your experience of living in a sandwich and receive support to exploring a different way of handling it all, give Heather a call at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Dealing with house guests over the Christmas season? Going to family events? 

Although the ads and songs call this the most wonderful time of the year, spending time with family members can sometimes be anything but wonderful! Think “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” and Cousin Eddie! It can be stressful being around the individual who becomes obnoxious after drinking; the person who talks non-stop; or the person who always says something with which you feel uncomfortable.

If you know that you will be spending time with an individual who is not your favourite person, it can be best to plan ahead on how you want to handle the person or situation. If you know that a person starts to become belligerent once they have been drinking too much, plan an early escape. Or can you offer to help walk around with hors d’oeuvres so that you don’t get stuck with the non-stop talking relative?

• Start by picturing the individual and what their usual behaviours or lines are (you've dealt with him or her before so you know what the usual routine is). 
  

• What is the worst part of the situation? 
  

• Start to brain storm what ways you can deal with the person or situation. Get creative! Is there someone (sibling, cousins) that you can collaborate with?
  

•  If you can’t think of anything, try asking your friends or coworkers how they deal with an individual who behaves in a specific way or says certain things.  Everyone has a story about a person or situation when they felt uncomfortable or awkward and have come up with great ways to handle the difficult relatives.
  

Remember, in the end, you can only control your own behaviour and how you respond, not what the other person is doing.

As Christmas day draws near, does your level of stress continue to grow? There is a certain franticness that grows as Christmas gets closer.

By now the school plays and concerts may be over, but there are still presents to buy, wrapping to be done, food to prepare, and parties to host.  The endless “to-do” lists and thinking of “just one more thing” that needs to be done can lead to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Once the feelings of stress start, it can quickly spiral into feelings of guilt, resentment, and anger and thoughts of “not again”, “why am I doing this?” or “why doesn’t anyone help out?”

Last year did you vow to do things differently “next Christmas” only to feel like that Christmas has come again too fast? While it may seem that it is too late to change the feelings of chaos and overwhelm for this year, I have a few suggestions that while they probably won’t change everything this year, they can help you feel saner and make things more manageable. Some of these suggestions may be easier for you to do than others.

• Put on some Christmas music! While wrapping presents, cleaning the house and preparing food, listening to upbeat music can help relax and provide a change in mood. 
• While wrapping the presents, writing Christmas cards and even cleaning the house take a moment to be thankful that you have a house to clean, friends and family to buy presents for, and stores from which to buy safe food.
  
• Breathe…take a couple of deep breaths and feel the relaxation enter your body from head to toe. At each breath, focus on releasing tight muscles and relaxing a different part of the body working from your head down to your toes. 
  
• Ask for help. Thinking that you need to be wonder woman and do it all yourself is a sure fire way to become resentful and angry. Even those closest to you can’t read your mind and may be guessing that since you aren’t asking for help, you want to handle it all yourself.
  
• Take a short walk. Walking to the end of the driveway and back or around the block can help reduce the feelings of stress and give you a break from the noise and busyness in your house.
  
• Drink tea. Again, something you can enjoy while taking a break or if you must while still wrapping presents or other household activities. Drinking chamomile or peppermint tea can be relaxing. Try focusing on the present moment or a pleasant thought every time you take a sip of your tea. 
  
• Spend time with your pet. Cuddling, patting, playing or brushing with a pet can help to decrease your stress and may even make you smile!!
  

People tend to remember how they felt in a situation more than they will remember if there was the perfect amount of gravy or mashed potatoes. Relaxing and enjoying the moment can go a long way to make the season more pleasant for you and those around you.

Do you have favourite ways to relax and enjoy Christmas? Go and enjoy!

You are up first thing in the morning, making lunches, getting your children to daycare, making it to work “just in time”, working all day. Then it starts all over again in reverse…picking your children from daycare, stopping at the grocery store, making dinner, doing laundry and then falling into bed exhausted every night. Sound familiar?

This is unfortunately all too common in today’s day and age. Being “so busy” is now the new sign of how important your life is. However, in reality, how is being “so busy” working for you?

When the topic of “self-care” comes up, it can feel like another thing on the to-do list, like one more thing that has to be done.

The idea of self-care has been seen as selfishness and being unnecessary…I don’t have time for that! It is the thought that you can’t be successful if you don’t keep going and going. However, some of the most successful people are the ones who know how to work hard, but also include play and relaxation in their lives.

When you don’t stop all day and take a breath you wear ourselves out and become exhausted, grumpy, angry, and start experiencing physical health problems. You know that a car needs gas before it reaches the critical empty light…well, so too do you!

At the basic level, how are you helping your family and your employment when you are not functioning at your highest level? When you are burned out and ill? This can start the endless cycle of being overwhelmed, snapping at the family, feeling guilty and vowing to do it differently tomorrow.

At a higher level, what do you want to see when you look back on your life? Is this the memories you want to create for you and your family?

If you have children, you are also modelling for them on how to live. Rates of childhood anxiety are increasing as their lives become increasingly structured and packed with activities. And as they begin to see the most important people in their lives (you their parents) overwhelmed, they experience the “so busy” as the normal pace of life.

What are some ideas you can come up with for self-care that are enjoyable for you?

When starting to introduce self-care it may help you to read some of my earlier blogs on introducing new habits. Remember to take it slow. Doing a whole live overhaul at one time will lead to crashing and burning because it is too much. Pick one tiny area and see what change could be made to make life a little less busy. Many times small changes will lead to a ripple effect on other areas of your life.

Feel free to give me a call (604-375-3010) or email (heather@discoverycounselling.ca) if you would like some support in starting a new self-care routine.

When you choose to change a behaviour or introduce a new habit it is helpful to tie this behaviour to an existing, specific trigger. Whenever that trigger occurs it will lead to an increased chance that the new behaviour will occur.

For example, every morning when you wake up you go to into the bathroom to brush your teeth. The trigger is waking up and getting out of bed and the behaviour is brushing your teeth. The behaviour of brushing your teeth may then trigger the behaviour of getting dressed and so on until you are ready for the day.

Once you’ve decided on your new behaviour, then examine your daily routine for an appropriate trigger to go with that behaviour. The trigger could be an event or something that occurs regularly already in your life. It becomes “if X happens” then “I will do Y”. If you want to drink more water, then choosing to have a glass of water after you go to the washroom may be good trigger because going to the washroom is something that is done repeatedly throughout the day.

This method is also useful when a trigger is an emotion. For instance, if you yell at people every time you feel anger, then the initial feeling of anger is the trigger. Having decided that you want to take 3 deep breathes before responding whenever you feel the anger you would then work at noticing the emotion of anger and at that point would tell yourself to take 3 deep breathes before you responded.

After deciding on the trigger, it is important to mentally rehearse the trigger occurring along with the new behaviour.  By picturing the trigger happening and then how you will do the new behaviour will make it easier for you to remember the new behaviour when the trigger does happen.

Action step – Pick your new behaviour, and the trigger. If you feel more comfortable, begin with mentally rehearsing doing the new behaviour every time the trigger occurs. Otherwise, jump in and try doing the new behaviour whenever you notice the trigger.

In my next blog, I will have some more tips to help strengthen the likelihood that the behaviour will occur.

If you want some individual help and support with changing your behaviours or starting a new habit give me a call at 604-375-3010 or email me at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

What I thought could be one blog about changing habits is going to be blogged about over the next couple of blogs as there are many different part to consider to put together a successful plan for change.

Picture a child just starting to take their first steps. She stands up, takes one little step, wobbles and falls back down. Imagine the adults and caregivers then saying to the child “well, you failed on your first attempt, so that is it. You won’t every walk”.

Sounds crazy right??

Yet, this is exactly what we do once we become adults. We try a new skill or behaviour and if we aren’t perfect on the first attempt we feel ashamed, berate ourselves, and give up.

My question is: why do we believe during childhood that “practice makes perfect” and yet in adulthood everything is supposed to be perfect on the first attempt?

If we are trying to change a habit, or learn a new skill, we won’t be perfect the first time. Like an athlete learning a new sport, any new skill or behaviour takes time and repetition. It is important to recognize that before you start to change the behaviour. We must include in the plan how we want to handle it when we are not successful at the first attempt change - if it doesn't turn out perfectly or is a downright failure.

This is where self-compassion and encouragement comes into place. As much as we believe that being compassionate is being too soft on ourselves and will excuse us from not reaching our goal, the research shows the opposite. When we start to emotionally and cognitively beat ourselves up, this leads to frustration, guilt, and embarrassment. When we experience these negative emotions our brains work to figure out the quickest way to get rid of these emotions. This usually leads to doing more of the same behaviour that lead us to feel guilty in the first place (think 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cookie), and returning to the negative cycle.

Instead, we can turn that around and recognize we are only starting this new behaviour and rather than talking down to ourselves we use our inner voice to encourage ourselves to keep going and to try again. Being understanding towards ourselves will decrease the negative feelings and thoughts, and allow the space to be able to make a different choice and respond differently. This leads to a different cycle and different outcomes.

Another way to look at it is to think about what you would say to your best friend who was in the same situation...would you tell them how horrible it was that they didn’t succeed or would you offer words of support and encouragement?

Example:

-  Option A: Plan was to eat healthy foods, but ate a cookie during coffee break. Feeling guilty for not following the plan and start to talk negatively to self – “oh I wasn’t going to do that. I told myself this morning I wasn’t going to do this and here I am eating a cookie. I am so weak. I’m a failure”....on and on it goes. Feel really bad so eat another cookie.

-  Option B: Plan to increase proportion of healthy foods eaten in the day, but ate a cookie during coffee break. Self-compassion response - realize that one cookie isn’t going to make or break a healthy eating plan, you are just starting to change this behaviour, eating 100% healthy every day is pretty much impossible. Taking a deep breath and a step back allows you to make a different choice now instead eating another cookie.

See the possibility for a different outcome?

I will continue discussing the parts of changing a habit next time. In the mean time, try to catch yourself in the guilt, frustration and negative thoughts. Stop and offer yourself a few words of encouragement. Let me know if you have any questions or need some support in doing this.

heather@discoverycounselling.ca