Is stress good or bad,

Moms, Reclaim you Life Part II

7/12/2016

So, in the last blog (June 2016), I provided some of the information from the talks I had been giving through the Fraser Valley Regional Library system. This blog is a continuation of what I presented.

Say no to say yes

Sometimes as a mother you find yourself saying yes to everyone and everything. Firstly, this relates back to our stories (see last blog). Realize what story you are telling yourself about why you need to say yes to what everyone asks you to do. Some stories could be:

If I say no, that person will be mad at me. I can’t handle that person being mad at me or not liking me.
I’m a helpful person, so I want to help everyone. Reality: Can I really be helpful to everyone for everything?
People will think I’m a bad person is I say no.

There is the perception that being busy is a badge of honour. However, when we say yes to something we are saying no to something else.

Saying yes is a choice.

By focusing on the things we want to say yes to we can lose some of that guilt. When we are doing everything but at only half capacity, or we are forgetting to do things, or are constantly late (because we wanted to do just one more thing before we left the house) we tend to feel guilty or bad about ourselves (“I should be able to handle it all”). We can’t do everything to the best of our ability.

There is the saying that if you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will!

Decide what you value. What is important in your life? What are your goals? Where do you want to put your energy?
Let go of the story that you need to say yes to everyone and everything.
Prioritize your current activities
Decide what activities to continue with and which ones could be stopped or minimized.
For future events – consciously choose what to become involved in and how to be involved.
The overall goal is to be aware of what we say yes to and the story we are telling ourselves about our “need” to say yes.

Next action

If you are a list maker, the good news is that the research shows the benefits of making lists! By writing lists this allows our brains to think about things rather than of the things.

This can be especially useful for tasks or ideas that require multiple steps. Start by writing everything down. Then pick one item and write what the very next step would be. Each step must be the smallest next step and must be doable.

Here’s an example:

Say one thing on your to-do list is to is to clean a closet. Your list might look like this:
- Clean closet
  - Gather garbage bags (or boxes)
  - Clean top drawer
  - Clean second drawer
  - Take all shoes out of closet
  - Take 1 box from top shelf
  - The list would continue like this

Breaking items down into doable chunks helps to increase productivity. When items are too big (clean closet) the brain doesn’t know what to do and we become paralyzed and procrastinate. However, with having small, doable items our brain easily knows what to do next and we can achieve those steps!

Let me know how these tips are working for you!
If you would like to chat about further ways to get started with dealing with the overwhelm of motherhood or life in general, please call or email Heather at
heather@discoverycounselling.ca or 604-375-3010.

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Moms, reclaim your life!

6/19/2016

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I have had the pleasure of giving talks throughout the Fraser Valley Regional Libraries to many wonderful mothers – who are all amazing and very dedicated to their families!

Here is an overview of the talk “Moms, reclaim your life!”:

Our Stories

As a mother, you tell yourselves many stories about your expectations for yourself and about others. Sometimes the stories can be helpful and other times the stories stand in the way of feeling calm and happy. Those stories are the thoughts, the beliefs, and the judgments that you take as fact. When you find that you are not coping with a situation as well are you would like, and that you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or stressed, try asking yourself:

Am I stressed or overwhelmed? This part is raising awareness as to when you are starting (or in the midst) of the story about what is going on and how you are handling things.
What am I thinking/telling myself? These thoughts could be about yourself (I can’t handle this. I’m incompetent) or the thoughts could be about the situation or others (This is too stressful. They shouldn’t act or speak like this.)
Do I believe this thought to be my reality? And is it guiding my actions in a helpful way? Become aware that a thought is just a thought. It is not a fact! Since you create your thoughts, you can change those thoughts.

Act like an athlete

Mothers tend to go, go, go all day without taking any breaks! They have the goal of giving the best to their children and families. Yet by burning themselves out, mothers are not able to give and give without burning out. This is when you start to become grumpy and short-tempered and yelling at the kids. This behaviour does not seem to be on the list of goals for giving the best to your family!

The research shows that taking even small breaks can be beneficial to sustain our energy. Small or minibreaks are defined as 30 seconds to a couple of minutes. Even though this may not seem that it will be helpful, the idea is that taking these breaks more frequently (say every hour) will help renew and sustain your energy.

Some ideas to do during the microbreak is to:

Take 3 slow, deep breaths
Take your pulse for 60 seconds
Listen to relaxing music
Massage your shoulders or your scalp
Drink a glass of water (slowly) while sitting down
Slow stretching
Visualize a relaxing place (i.e. beach, forest)
Repeat a saying or mantra
Smell a favourite fragrance
Massaging hand cream slowly into your hands and forearms

Try implementing this by setting a timer on your phone, listing some ideas on a sticky note (and post where you will see it). This list is only a beginning of possibilities to renew your energy. Think about what may be relaxing for you.

Also, by doing short breaks, it is more likely to be done (which means it will be beneficial) than trying to fit in an overwhelming 20 minute meditation every morning 9

Although we know that exercise, sleep and nutritional eating is important for us, I think that lack of breaks is an overlooked area that can help sustain energy (and sanity!) for mothers.

Let me know how these ideas work for you and what creative ideas you have come up with!

I will have the rest of the ideas from my talk in the next blog…so stay tuned for more ideas to help handle the stress of motherhood!

If you would like to chat about further ways to get started with dealing with the overwhelm of motherhood or life in general, please call or email Heather at heather@discoverycounselling.ca or 604-375-3010.

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A Better Night's Sleep

5/12/2016

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Sometimes (or maybe it feels like a lot of the time) getting a good night sleep can feel like an impossibility. This can be especially true as a parent with young children.

Here are some of the classic suggestions to help you drift off to dream land:
- Regular exercise
- Limit caffeine from mid-afternoon
- Limit alcohol consumption
- Ensure room is not overly warm; a slightly cooler room can help with sleep
- Breathing – breathe in for 2; hold for a count of 1; breathe out for a count of 2; repeat.
- Focus on counting and feeling each breath.
- Visualization - remember a relaxing vacation spot or somewhere that would be relaxing
- Listen to soft, calming music
- Use relaxing fragrances - Make sleep a priority
- Aim for 7-9 hours per night – count backwards to when you need to get up to determine when you need to go to sleep
- Keep a regular routine of sleeping – as much as sleeping in on the weekend can feel good, it can disrupt the sleep in the long run.

While these techniques are useful, if you find that your sleep difficulties are due to the constant chatter going on in your mind - the “what ifs”, the to-do lists, regrets, or even worrying about getting enough sleep, here are a few more ideas that can help:
- Write out a to-do list the night before - part of the repetitiveness about these types of thoughts is that your brain is doing its job of remembering. However, that can be disruptive to sleep. Writing down any tasks, appointments, must dos for the next day will help to relax the mind and let it know it doesn’t have to work hard all night long remembering those things and waking you up to ensure that you remember.
- Writing also helps with any other thoughts you find yourself continually thinking about. Keep a notebook beside your bed, so that these can be easily written down.

If after writing it down, you find you are still having intrusive thoughts (thoughts that just won’t seem to go away), try some of these methods:
1. Visualize a container that can be tightly sealed and locked. Imagine putting all of your thoughts into the container – this is not to stuff away the thoughts or ignore them, but to place them there when it is not an appropriate time to deal with them (i.e. at 2 in the morning!). Once all the thoughts are in the container place the lid on tightly and ensure lock is closed.
2. Worry tree - imagine a large, mature tree. Picture placing your worries on this tree - the tree has become very strong over time and can hold your worries. Place a thought on each leaf or branch and let the tree take care of your thoughts for the night.
3. Put your thoughts one by one on a boat and let them sail away down the river, or place them on a cloud and watch the wind carry them away.
4. Visualize writing down your thoughts on a white board. After writing them all down, take the eraser brush and wipe them all away, knowing that they are gone and for the night, your mind is blank.

If you need something more physical to deal with the on-going thoughts, try putting them in a basket or container outside of the house. If the thoughts are related to work, keep a basket or container at work and leave the thoughts there when you leave work.

This is not an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will be a place to start to be creative in order to get more sleep.
Remember, any of these ideas mentioned above are skills learned through repetition, just like learning to drive or play a sport or musically instrument. So, try some of the different ideas and keep practicing….it can be frustrating when we don’t sleep, and are continually exhausted, and not coping to the best of our ability.

Start by having compassion for yourself and your situation, especially if you are dealing with young children who aren’t sleeping through the night yet (hint: these ideas can work for kids too!)

If you would like to solve the anxiety, overwhelm and stress that is keeping you awake at night please call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

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Moms, Reclaim Your Life

1/3/2016

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Discover three easy ways to have more energy, compassion and focus for you and your family. Modern motherhood is complicated, but you can learn how to thrive, and not just survive the daily routine! You'll hear how to find the "me" inside the mom, and be the best mom you can be. This presentation includes hands-on techniques and a hand-out to take home. Presenter Heather Rattai is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with over 20 years experience helping people.

These presentations are being held at local FVRL libraries throughout the Fraser Valley:

January/February:

1) Walnut Grove January 26 at 2 pm
2) Aldergrove January 28 at 11:15 am
3) Tsawwassen February 2 at 2 pm
4) Pitt Meadows February 11 at 7 pm
5) Mission February 16 at 11:15 am
6) Sardis February 25 at 11:30 am

April/May:

1) Yarrow April 19 at 11:30 am
2) Chilliwack April 19 at 2 pm
3) Abbotsford Community April 21 at 7 pm
4) Clearbrook April 26 at 2 pm
5) Terry Fox May 3 at 7 pm
6) Hope May 5 at 11:30 am
7) Agassiz May 5 at 2 pm
8) City of Langley May 11 at 7 pm
9) Muriel Arnason May 18 at 7 pm

For more information on locations please contact your local FVRL library (www.fvrl.ca).

If you would like support through the maze of motherhood please call Heather Rattai at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

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Christmas is coming again!

8/25/2015

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Christmas has arrived at Costco! It really is Christmas in July! And many other stores are gearing up for Halloween. This must mean summer is slowly coming to an end!

I had previously blogged about the stress of Christmas (December 2014) and then provided a few ideas on how to start getting ready for the next Christmas to hopefully make it less stressful (January 2015).

Congratulations if you did start to plan and write out your calendar when you wanted to start certain activities. This can help control the December rush! Even if you haven’t gotten to the point where you are writing in dates yet, it is not too late. You can start now. Start by re-reading my blogs from December 2014 (Christmas Stress) and January 2015 (Next Christmas). Since Christmas is seen as a happy time of the year, but is often experienced with stress, dread, and feelings of overwhelm, taking just a bit of time now to write in dates and ideas can help the busyness of Christmas from overwhelming you.

What have you liked about previous Christmases? What would you like to do again this next Christmas?

What was too much and you would like to change for the holidays? What brings on the greatest amount of stress, anxiety, overwhelm or depression? Spend some time now time to think about how you would like to change those things.

While you have a few minutes waiting for the kids at lessons or a soccer game – start searching for events you might like to attend. Are there yearly Christmas events in your area that you vowed last year to attend but didn’t? Get a head start by seeing if there are dates already set and when you can get tickets. If the dates aren’t set yet or the tickets aren’t out put reminders in your calendar to check back regularly so you don’t miss out this year. If there are dates available get out your calendar and start to schedule in those times.

If there are pictures to be taken or cards to be bought and written, write those dates in the calendar now. Are you planning to make some cards or some of the presents this year? Write down the supplies list and when are you going to work on these projects? Then work backwards on when you need to research the instructions, get the supplies, etc.

Also start to schedule in some fun times for you and your family and friends. Plan an evening to watch a classic Christmas movie or play a favourite game or sing Christmas carols or go for a walk to see the lights in your neighbourhood.

Since Christmas is consistently one of the most stressful times of the year, taking time to plan ahead can offer a way to mitigate some of that stress and overwhelm.

If you would like more help with general anxiety, depression, stress, or overwhelm from a specific life event, please call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

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Squished between parents and children

1/27/2015

It’s called the Sandwich generation for a reason…you feel squished between the needs of your parents and your children! The pressure of trying to handle it all can become too much. There can be feelings of guilt, resentment and confusion. You might have questions such as:

·         Am I making the right decision for my parents and my family?
·         What about me? Who takes care of me?
·         I’m physically and mentally exhausted, how do I keep going?
·         Why isn't my brother/sister/family member helping out?

You might be feeling exhausted, like you can’t keep going. Or maybe you feel angry most of your day, especially at those you love the most. If is it feeling too much, it might be a good time to take a look at your situation and see if there are areas that can change. There are different parts to look at when you want to start to deal with your care-giving role. Some things to consider are:
·         What do you want your care-giving to look like?
o   You may want to continue to have a high level of involvement with both your parents and children, or
there might be certain tasks or events that you wished you didn't have to be involved in. Be honest about
how you feel. Be aware of “I should…” or “It is expected of me…” as these can be hints to the areas
where you may be experiencing the highest levels of stress and that need to change.
·         Are there others who you believe could be involved?
o   Make a list of those others and what you think they could do for your parents, children or you.
·         Can you consider other services to help?
o   Research on the internet what other services might be available in your community – there are free and
pay services.

As much as you believe you are super human and able to handle anything thrown our way, everyone has their limits. The most important question is even if we could handle it all, do we want to handle it all?

Consider your boundaries. Boundaries help you and others. If you haven’t taken care of yourself then you won’t be doing your best to take care of your parents or your children or partner. The important first step is to be honest with yourself about how you are handling everything that is currently going on. If you continue to brush it off or think “I’ll just do this one thing and everything will be better” you are fooling yourself! Taking a clear look at where your life energy is going right now, is a stepping stone to making changes that will be healthier for you and for those around you.

Making changes

When you do make changes, be prepared that others will resist or act angry, especially if that has worked for them in the past. If there is a family expectation that you are the only one responsible for certain tasks, be aware that changes might not happen overnight. Persistence is the key. Remembering that you are making these changes both for your own health and well-being, but also when you have more energy and time, your children and partner will appreciate it. There are always trade-offs to the choices we make….which choices will you make today?

If you would like to talk about your experience of living in a sandwich and receive support to exploring a different way of handling it all, give Heather a call at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Getting ready for next Christmas already?

1/13/2015

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So now that another Christmas season is over, think back to how it went. Were you stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed? Have you vowed to do things different next Christmas? If so, now is the time to start taking steps to change things.

Start by thinking about what you liked about this past Christmas. Write these down.

Then, think back to previous Christmases – even back to your childhood. What did you like?

Next, think about what would you like to change?

For example: Your level of stress? The location of Christmas dinner? Who you spend Christmas with?

Make a list of things to change
Then, take some time to brainstorm some ways to make changes. Get your family and friends to help suggest new ways to make changes.

By now you should have 2 lists:

First list of what you like about previous Christmases and would like to incorporate into your own celebrations
Second list of what you want to change and some possible solutions

The next thing to do is to take your calendar (or go into your calendar on your phone or computer) and start planning backwards from Christmas.

Plan when to start to do things

For example – do you need to talk with your parents or other relatives about where you will be holding Christmas next year? The bigger the change, the better it will be to give more notice. Nobody likes to have their age old assumptions changed at the last minute – “but, we always go to Auntie’s house on Christmas Eve”.
When you need to talk to others, it will be helpful for you to be able to articulate your reasons for the change. Now in some circumstances, there is no need to tell people your reason, but if it is something that has been done for years and is assumed to be done the same way every year, it may go over better if your reasons, such as easier on the kids, more enjoyable, less stress, etc., are discussed.
NOTE: Take into consideration with who you are discussing the changes. You may feel more comfortable discussing more detail with some people than others. Just be aware if you believe this is an individual who will have an argument for every reason you have for change, you may need to stick to an easier, more repeatable message without a lot of detail. Know your audience!

If you make the plan on an electronic calendar you have the advantage of setting up reminders
By thinking backwards from when you want the task done, it can be easier to pace out tinier, more manageable steps.
Break down each task into specific, next action step. This makes it more doable and more likely to get done.

For example, sending out Christmas cards/letters/emails can include:
- The name list
- Gathering addresses
- Buying the cards
- Buying stamps
- Addressing the cards
These are steps that can be done one at a time and can be completed before the Christmas season.

With pre-thought and pre-planning you can make your next Christmas more enjoyable and less stressful!

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?

12/28/2014

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Dealing with house guests over the Christmas season? Going to family events?

Although the ads and songs call this the most wonderful time of the year, spending time with family members can sometimes be anything but wonderful! Think “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” and Cousin Eddie! It can be stressful being around the individual who becomes obnoxious after drinking; the person who talks non-stop; or the person who always says something with which you feel uncomfortable.

If you know that you will be spending time with an individual who is not your favourite person, it can be best to plan ahead on how you want to handle the person or situation. If you know that a person starts to become belligerent once they have been drinking too much, plan an early escape. Or can you offer to help walk around with hors d’oeuvres so that you don’t get stuck with the non-stop talking relative?

Start by picturing the individual and what their usual behaviours or lines are (you've dealt with him or her before so you know what the usual routine is).

What is the worst part of the situation?

Start to brain storm what ways you can deal with the person or situation. Get creative! Is there someone (sibling, cousins) that you can collaborate with?

If you can’t think of anything, try asking your friends or coworkers how they deal with an individual who behaves in a specific way or says certain things. Everyone has a story about a person or situation when they felt uncomfortable or awkward and have come up with great ways to handle the difficult relatives.

Remember, in the end, you can only control your own behaviour and how you respond, not what the other person is doing.

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Christmas stress?

12/23/2014

As Christmas day draws near, does your level of stress continue to grow? There is a certain franticness that grows as Christmas gets closer.

By now the school plays and concerts may be over, but there are still presents to buy, wrapping to be done, food to prepare, and parties to host. The endless “to-do” lists and thinking of “just one more thing” that needs to be done can lead to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Once the feelings of stress start, it can quickly spiral into feelings of guilt, resentment, and anger and thoughts of “not again”, “why am I doing this?” or “why doesn’t anyone help out?”

Last year did you vow to do things differently “next Christmas” only to feel like that Christmas has come again too fast? While it may seem that it is too late to change the feelings of chaos and overwhelm for this year, I have a few suggestions that while they probably won’t change everything this year, they can help you feel saner and make things more manageable. Some of these suggestions may be easier for you to do than others.

Put on some Christmas music! While wrapping presents, cleaning the house and preparing food, listening to upbeat music can help relax and provide a change in mood.
While wrapping the presents, writing Christmas cards and even cleaning the house take a moment to be thankful that you have a house to clean, friends and family to buy presents for, and stores from which to buy safe food.
Breathe…take a couple of deep breaths and feel the relaxation enter your body from head to toe. At each breath, focus on releasing tight muscles and relaxing a different part of the body working from your head down to your toes.
Ask for help. Thinking that you need to be wonder woman and do it all yourself is a sure fire way to become resentful and angry. Even those closest to you can’t read your mind and may be guessing that since you aren’t asking for help, you want to handle it all yourself.
Take a short walk. Walking to the end of the driveway and back or around the block can help reduce the feelings of stress and give you a break from the noise and busyness in your house.
Drink tea. Again, something you can enjoy while taking a break or if you must while still wrapping presents or other household activities. Drinking chamomile or peppermint tea can be relaxing. Try focusing on the present moment or a pleasant thought every time you take a sip of your tea.
Spend time with your pet. Cuddling, patting, playing or brushing with a pet can help to decrease your stress and may even make you smile!!

People tend to remember how they felt in a situation more than they will remember if there was the perfect amount of gravy or mashed potatoes. Relaxing and enjoying the moment can go a long way to make the season more pleasant for you and those around you.

Do you have favourite ways to relax and enjoy Christmas? Go and enjoy!

Is stress good or bad?

6/15/2014

Feeling stressed? Is stress always bad or can stress be good too?

It seems now a days we all move through our days at a high rate of speed trying to get to the next meeting, the next task, and the next chore. Some have argued that “being busy and stressed” are the new ways to prove our success – if we’re not super busy then we’re not successful.

Stress can be positive or negative. If we experienced no level of stress in our lives we would probably never get out of bed! We feel the stress of hunger and we find food. We feel the stress to have money and we go to work. Experiencing stress to a certain level can be motivational and helps to keep us focused and alert, but past a certain point, stress becomes non-productive and can begin to cause physical and mental strains.

Some symptoms of too much stress:

·         Cognitive – memory problems, seeing only negative, constant worry, poor judgement

·         Physical – aches and pains, dizziness, chest pains, rapid heartbeat, frequent colds, diarrhea or constipation,
developing disease, and obesity

·         Emotional – moodiness, agitation, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, depression or sadness, sense of isolation

·         Behavioural – changes in amount you are eating, change in sleep patterns, isolating self from others, using alcohol or drugs to relax, nervous habits, and procrastinating or avoiding certain situations.

We each have our own limits for how much stress we can handle. It is important to know your own limit. If you feel that you are experiencing a high level of stress, it is important to begin by looking at what is causing the stress (called stressors). There are external stressors such as work place, financial problems, children and family, and relationship problems; and there are internal stressors such as negative thinking, lack of assertiveness, perfectionism, and unrealistic expectations.

The great news is that there are many ways to deal with excessive stress! My next blog will cover many of the ways to begin to handle stress.

Moms, Reclaim you Life Part II

Moms, reclaim your life!

A Better Night's Sleep

Moms, Reclaim Your Life

Christmas is coming again!

Squished between parents and children

Getting ready for next Christmas already?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?

Christmas stress?

Is stress good or bad?

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