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Moms, Reclaim you Life Part II

7/12/2016

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So, in the last blog (June 2016), I provided some of the information from the talks I had been giving through the Fraser Valley Regional Library system. This blog is a continuation of what I presented.

Say no to say yes

Sometimes as a mother you find yourself saying yes to everyone and everything. Firstly, this relates back to our stories (see last blog). Realize what story you are telling yourself about why you need to say yes to what everyone asks you to do. Some stories could be:

  • If I say no, that person will be mad at me. I can’t handle that person being mad at me or not liking me.
  • I’m a helpful person, so I want to help everyone. Reality: Can I really be helpful to everyone for everything?
  • People will think I’m a bad person is I say no.

There is the perception that being busy is a badge of honour. However, when we say yes to something we are saying no to something else.

Saying yes is a choice.

By focusing on the things we want to say yes to we can lose some of that guilt. When we are doing everything but at only half capacity, or we are forgetting to do things, or are constantly late (because we wanted to do just one more thing before we left the house) we tend to feel guilty or bad about ourselves (“I should be able to handle it all”). We can’t do everything to the best of our ability.

There is the saying that if you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will!

  • Decide what you value. What is important in your life? What are your goals? Where do you want to put your energy?
  • Let go of the story that you need to say yes to everyone and everything.
  • Prioritize your current activities
  • Decide what activities to continue with and which ones could be stopped or minimized.
  • For future events – consciously choose what to become involved in and how to be involved.
  • The overall goal is to be aware of what we say yes to and the story we are telling ourselves about our “need” to say yes.

Next action

If you are a list maker, the good news is that the research shows the benefits of making lists! By writing lists this allows our brains to think about things rather than of the things.

This can be especially useful for tasks or ideas that require multiple steps. Start by writing everything down. Then pick one item and write what the very next step would be. Each step must be the smallest next step and must be doable.

Here’s an example:


  • Say one thing on your to-do list is to is to clean a closet. Your list might look like this:
    • Clean closet
      • Gather garbage bags (or boxes)
      • Clean top drawer
      • Clean second drawer
      • Take all shoes out of closet
      • Take 1 box from top shelf
      • The list would continue like this
Breaking items down into doable chunks helps to increase productivity. When items are too big (clean closet) the brain doesn’t know what to do and we become paralyzed and procrastinate. However, with having small, doable items our brain easily knows what to do next and we can achieve those steps!

Let me know how these tips are working for you!
If you would like to chat about further ways to get started with dealing with the overwhelm of motherhood or life in general, please call or email Heather at 
heather@discoverycounselling.ca or 604-375-3010.


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And baby makes three

9/26/2015

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​Bringing a newborn baby home from the hospital can be exciting but also overwhelming. Having the sudden responsibility for the care of a tiny human can feel scary! From feeding to bathing and diaper changing, to responding to the different cries can be a lot to handle, especially with such little sleep. From the strange sleeping and feeding patterns of newborns, to having to slide the delicate arms and fingers through the arm of a sweater, there is a steep learning curve to being a parent.
​
​​As new parents, you may have decorated the baby's bedroom, gotten all of the baby gear and clothes, and bought the tiny (and oh so cute) newborn diapers. However, once you bring the baby home, it can seem that the calm and serenity before the baby's birth is long gone.
The feeling of overwhelm, and thoughts of "can I handle this?" are normal.

Most articles and books will recommend taking care of yourself after the birth of your baby by accepting help from those around you, and to rest frequently. While this is excellent advise, you may not always feel that you can follow it. As a society we strongly value independence and the non-stop "busy" approach to life - after all, wasn't the baby just going to fit into the pre-baby life and nothing needed to change (been there, had that thought!)

When you first bring your baby home, you may believe you can handle it all, and want to continue to push yourself to keep the house spotless, the laundry done, and a healthy meal on the table every night.

However, take a moment to think about your main goal at this time in your life? What do you want to remember about this time? That you kept the household spotless? Or do you want to spend time marveling at the miracle of your baby and enjoying the constant changes the baby goes through?

When you are clear on what your goal is, then you can make a decision on how best to proceed. Instead of seeing family and friends' offers of help as an indication that you are incompetent or can't handle things, see their gifts and offerings as an opportunity to fulfill your goal of spending time with your baby. Maybe a prepared meal or gift card for a local take-out restaurant would be helpful.

Being clear on your goals also helps other pieces of your life fall into place. If your goal is to be the best mother you can be....what does that look like? Does it require self-care so you don't burn out (and become cranky)? Exercise to keep your energy up for the trip to the park? A nap instead of folding laundry so you and baby are in a good mood?

I'm not advocating doing no house work!! But having a balance between busyness and rest is important. 

My next blog will include some tips for taking smaller breaks throughout the day.

If you would like some help with the transition to motherhood, please contact Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca 


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Dealing with Postpartum Depression

6/9/2015

 
In the last blog, I covered the symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD). Now onto the good news! If you are currently experiencing PPD it doesn’t have to be that way. You can get back to your life!

Making an
appointment with your doctor is a great starting point to determine if there are any underlying physical causes that need to be treated. Also, if you are experiencing postpartum depression, the doctor might discuss if medication is appropriate for you. Although prescribed medication can be useful and assist with some of the symptoms of PPD such as sleep, mood, and physical symptoms; changing thoughts and beliefs about yourself, and your mothering can be better served by attending for counselling. 

Here are a couple of ideas on how you can begin to dealing with PPD:

1. Including exercise in your daily life (of course after you have consulted with a doctor and been given permission to exercise) is a great if you are experiencing PPD. Now you may initially be thinking, I can barely get out of bed, never mind get dressed and go to the gym! I would encourage you instead to think of a way to incorporate small amounts of physical movement into your daily life, such as going up and down the stairs 1-3 times, or go for a short walk. 



It has been suggested that changes are most successful when the initial step that is                   chosen is made even smaller than originally planned. If you thought walking around the block was an initial step, scale it back and walk to the end of the driveway and back. It may go against your belief that everything must be done “all in” or it won’t work! However, in the end, in taking a smaller step at the beginning and building from there will provide you with a higher degree of successful.


2.  Begin to notice your thoughts are about yourself as a mother, about your baby and your beliefs in your ability to cope. A lot of times the expectations you have about your ability to mother or your role as a mother can create feelings of stress, guilt and incompetence. By first noticing when you have these thoughts you can then ask yourself if that thought is helpful. If the thought is unhelpful, recognize it as "only a thought" not as a fact. The thought can then be changed to a more realistic or positive thought. Again, start small to increase your chances the changes will become permanent habits – change one thought at a time. If you are having difficulty looking at your thoughts differently ask a trusted friend, family member for help or contact a counsellor to get assistance.
 

If you would like support in your experience of PPD or to learn more techniques for handling PPD, please call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Postpartum Depression Symptoms

5/30/2015

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Bringing a new baby home from the hospital can be exciting but also overwhelming. Having the responsibility for the care of a tiny human can feel scary! The initial feelings can be experienced physically and emotionally. The overwhelm and the thoughts of “can I handle this?” are normal and will often go away. However, some mothers experience a deeper and longer lasting worry, sadness and feeling down.

Postpartum depression (PPD) is a type of depression that may start during the pregnancy or shortly after the birth of a child. It affects the mother’s mood - resulting in feeling

 - Sad                                                                        - Difficulty remembering information
- Anxious                                                                   - Hard to focus or concentrate
- Irritability                                                                 - Withdraw from family or friends
- Guilt about parenting                                               - Angry
- Loss of interest in your baby                                   - Worthless

It also shows up in changes to eating and sleeping patterns, extreme lack of energy, and ability to concentrate or participate in everyday activities. Frequently, mother’s experiencing PPD will report a lack of interest in everyday activities, or that “there is something missing” in their bond with their baby. Sometimes a mother may feel like harming her baby or herself. Although this is rare, if you have this feeling this needs urgent care, please call 9-1-1 or your local crisis centre (in BC it is 1-800-784-2433). 

Even if you have had a second or third child and didn’t experience PPD during the first or second baby, Postpartum Depression can occur in subsequent pregnancies.

PPD is likely caused by different factors including family history, previous and current life circumstances, personality, and biology.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms 
please call your doctor and discuss it with them.

If you would like support in your experience of PPD, please call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca 

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    I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I work with individuals to help them get the life they truly want.

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