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Mom Burnout

9/25/2016

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Always rushing to go somewhere? Maybe you need to get that one forgotten item (birthday party, what birthday party?! this afternoon?!)? Or maybe you are picking the kids up or dropping them off! Then there is the house work! All of this can lead to mothers feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. 

I was reading a blog post about self-care suggestions for Mom burnout the other day. It gave some good suggestions, such as exercise, meditation and massage. These are all great ideas and I totally support moms doing these activities. However, as much as we all know we should do these activities they are only helpful IF we did them. The bottom line is…if we don't do these activities on a regular basis they won't be helpful. I know many moms find it challenging to have the time to do these activities regularly.

Having goals of going to the gym 5x/week or meditating for 20-30 minutes PER day or even a weekly massage, may not be happening for a lot of moms. Granted, if we analyzed our days- I’m sure we could find 30 minutes of TV watching or Facebook time that could be devoted to a walk or meditation, etc. But really, what is the likelihood that we will swap our usual activity for something else…not everyone is going to do this.

Instead, do something that will fit with what you are doing right now. If you have a nightly TV routine…meditate during the commercials. Mute the TV, and cue up the YouTube video to relaxation music or a guided visualization. Close your eyes and play it during the commercials. Or just close your eyes and take slow deep breaths while picturing a calming, peaceful scene.

Or if you want to incorporate some physical movement – then (again during the commercials) stretch your arms and legs or massage your shoulders and neck. You may eventually expand what you do if you keep at it, but don’t aim for the increase, just aim to do something during the commercials.

I’ve used the example of TV watching and commercials but this same idea works anywhere else you may have a few minutes. If you are waiting in the car to pick up the kids from after school, or even if you are sitting in a doctor or dentist waiting room for your child’s appointment. Take some deep breaths. Breathing works well in these public situations as breathing is something we all do, so no one will be looking at you wondering why you are breathing!! Also use mindfulness – pay attention to the details in the physical setting around you. Describe the paint colour or the details of a painting. This keeps you present in the moment instead of the mind whirling off to the “to do” lists, or a worry or a “what if”. 

These are just a few examples of ways to take a few self-care moments. The idea is to do something regularly. The ideas of exercise, meditation and massage all are great relaxation and coping strategies; but if they are only done sporadically they are not going to be consistently helpful. So, aiming for a simpler, smaller way to build in self-care as in the end this is more effective.

The most beneficial self-care activities are ones that are actually done regularly!

If you would like to chat about more doable ideas for self-care or ways to incorporate self-care into your life, call Heather at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

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Moms, Reclaim you Life Part II

7/12/2016

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So, in the last blog (June 2016), I provided some of the information from the talks I had been giving through the Fraser Valley Regional Library system. This blog is a continuation of what I presented.

Say no to say yes

Sometimes as a mother you find yourself saying yes to everyone and everything. Firstly, this relates back to our stories (see last blog). Realize what story you are telling yourself about why you need to say yes to what everyone asks you to do. Some stories could be:

  • If I say no, that person will be mad at me. I can’t handle that person being mad at me or not liking me.
  • I’m a helpful person, so I want to help everyone. Reality: Can I really be helpful to everyone for everything?
  • People will think I’m a bad person is I say no.

There is the perception that being busy is a badge of honour. However, when we say yes to something we are saying no to something else.

Saying yes is a choice.

By focusing on the things we want to say yes to we can lose some of that guilt. When we are doing everything but at only half capacity, or we are forgetting to do things, or are constantly late (because we wanted to do just one more thing before we left the house) we tend to feel guilty or bad about ourselves (“I should be able to handle it all”). We can’t do everything to the best of our ability.

There is the saying that if you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will!

  • Decide what you value. What is important in your life? What are your goals? Where do you want to put your energy?
  • Let go of the story that you need to say yes to everyone and everything.
  • Prioritize your current activities
  • Decide what activities to continue with and which ones could be stopped or minimized.
  • For future events – consciously choose what to become involved in and how to be involved.
  • The overall goal is to be aware of what we say yes to and the story we are telling ourselves about our “need” to say yes.

Next action

If you are a list maker, the good news is that the research shows the benefits of making lists! By writing lists this allows our brains to think about things rather than of the things.

This can be especially useful for tasks or ideas that require multiple steps. Start by writing everything down. Then pick one item and write what the very next step would be. Each step must be the smallest next step and must be doable.

Here’s an example:


  • Say one thing on your to-do list is to is to clean a closet. Your list might look like this:
    • Clean closet
      • Gather garbage bags (or boxes)
      • Clean top drawer
      • Clean second drawer
      • Take all shoes out of closet
      • Take 1 box from top shelf
      • The list would continue like this
Breaking items down into doable chunks helps to increase productivity. When items are too big (clean closet) the brain doesn’t know what to do and we become paralyzed and procrastinate. However, with having small, doable items our brain easily knows what to do next and we can achieve those steps!

Let me know how these tips are working for you!
If you would like to chat about further ways to get started with dealing with the overwhelm of motherhood or life in general, please call or email Heather at 
heather@discoverycounselling.ca or 604-375-3010.


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Moms, reclaim your life!

6/19/2016

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I have had the pleasure of giving talks throughout the Fraser Valley Regional Libraries to many wonderful mothers – who are all amazing and very dedicated to their families!

Here is an overview of the talk “Moms, reclaim your life!”:

Our Stories

As a mother, you tell yourselves many stories about your expectations for yourself and about others. Sometimes the stories can be helpful and other times the stories stand in the way of feeling calm and happy. Those stories are the thoughts, the beliefs, and the judgments that you take as fact. When you find that you are not coping with a situation as well are you would like, and that you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or stressed, try asking yourself:
  • Am I stressed or overwhelmed? This part is raising awareness as to when you are starting (or in the midst) of the story about what is going on and how you are handling things.
  • What am I thinking/telling myself? These thoughts could be about yourself (I can’t handle this. I’m incompetent) or the thoughts could be about the situation or others (This is too stressful. They shouldn’t act or speak like this.)
  • Do I believe this thought to be my reality? And is it guiding my actions in a helpful way? Become aware that a thought is just a thought. It is not a fact! Since you create your thoughts, you can change those thoughts.


Act like an athlete

Mothers tend to go, go, go all day without taking any breaks! They have the goal of giving the best to their children and families. Yet by burning themselves out, mothers are not able to give and give without burning out. This is when you start to become grumpy and short-tempered and yelling at the kids. This behaviour does not seem to be on the list of goals for giving the best to your family!

The research shows that taking even small breaks can be beneficial to sustain our energy. Small or minibreaks are defined as 30 seconds to a couple of minutes. Even though this may not seem that it will be helpful, the idea is that taking these breaks more frequently (say every hour) will help renew and sustain your energy.

Some ideas to do during the microbreak is to:
  • Take 3 slow, deep breaths
  • Take your pulse for 60 seconds
  • Listen to relaxing music
  • Massage your shoulders or your scalp
  • Drink a glass of water (slowly) while sitting down
  • Slow stretching
  • Visualize a relaxing place (i.e. beach, forest)
  • Repeat a saying or mantra
  • Smell a favourite fragrance
  • Massaging hand cream slowly into your hands and forearms
Try implementing this by setting a timer on your phone, listing some ideas on a sticky note (and post where you will see it). This list is only a beginning of possibilities to renew your energy. Think about what may be relaxing for you.

Also, by doing short breaks, it is more likely to be done (which means it will be beneficial) than trying to fit in an overwhelming 20 minute meditation every morning 9
 
Although we know that exercise, sleep and nutritional eating is important for us, I think that lack of breaks is an overlooked area that can help sustain energy (and sanity!) for mothers.

Let me know how these ideas work for you and what creative ideas you have come up with!

I will have the rest of the ideas from my talk in the next blog…so stay tuned for more ideas to help handle the stress of motherhood!
 
If you would like to chat about further ways to get started with dealing with the overwhelm of motherhood or life in general, please call or email Heather at heather@discoverycounselling.ca or 604-375-3010.

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    I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I work with individuals to help them get the life they truly want.

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