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Squished between parents and children

1/27/2015

 
It’s called the Sandwich generation for a reason…you feel squished between the needs of your parents and your children! The pressure of trying to handle it all can become too much. There can be feelings of guilt, resentment and confusion. You might have questions such as:

·         Am I making the right decision for my parents and my family?
·         What about me? Who takes care of me?
·         I’m physically and mentally exhausted, how do I keep going?
·         Why isn't my brother/sister/family member helping out?

You might be feeling exhausted, like you can’t keep going. Or maybe you feel angry most of your day, especially at those you love the most. If is it feeling too much, it might be a good time to take a look at your situation and see if there are areas that can change. There are different parts to look at when you want to start to deal with your care-giving role. Some things to consider are:
·         What do you want your care-giving to look like?
               o   You may want to continue to have a high level of involvement with both your parents and children, or     
                     there might be certain tasks or events that you wished you didn't have to be involved in. Be honest about 
                     how you feel. Be aware of “I should…” or “It is expected of me…” as these can be hints to the areas 
                    where you may be experiencing the highest levels of stress and that need to change.
·         Are there others who you believe could be involved?
               o   Make a list of those others and what you think they could do for your parents, children or you.
·         Can you consider other services to help?
               o   Research on the internet what other services might be available in your community – there are free and 
                     pay services.

As much as you believe you are super human and able to handle anything thrown our way, everyone has their limits. The most important question is even if we could handle it all, do we want to handle it all?

Consider your boundaries. Boundaries help you and others. If you haven’t taken care of yourself then you won’t be doing your best to take care of your parents or your children or partner. The important first step is to be honest with yourself about how you are handling everything that is currently going on. If you continue to brush it off or think “I’ll just do this one thing and everything will be better” you are fooling yourself! Taking a clear look at where your life energy is going right now, is a stepping stone to making changes that will be healthier for you and for those around you.

Making changes

When you do make changes, be prepared that others will resist or act angry, especially if that has worked for them in the past. If there is a family expectation that you are the only one responsible for certain tasks, be aware that changes might not happen overnight. Persistence is the key. Remembering that you are making these changes both for your own health and well-being, but also when you have more energy and time, your children and partner will appreciate it. There are always trade-offs to the choices we make….which choices will you make today?

If you would like to talk about your experience of living in a sandwich and receive support to exploring a different way of handling it all, give Heather a call at 604-375-3010 or email at heather@discoverycounselling.ca

Getting ready for next Christmas already?

1/13/2015

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Picture
So now that another Christmas season is over, think back to how it went. Were you stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed? Have you vowed to do things different next Christmas? If so, now is the time to start taking steps to change things.

  • Start by thinking about what you liked about this past Christmas. Write these down.
  • Then, think back to previous Christmases – even back to your childhood. What did you like?
  •  Next, think about what would you like to change?
                      For example: Your level of stress?  The location of Christmas dinner? Who you                                 spend Christmas with?
  • Make a list of things to change 
  •  Then, take some time to brainstorm some ways to make changes. Get your family and friends to help suggest new ways to make changes.

By now you should have 2 lists:
  • First list of what you like about previous Christmases and would like to incorporate into your own celebrations
  • Second list of what you want to change and some possible solutions

The next thing to do is to take your calendar (or go into your calendar on your phone or computer) and start planning backwards from Christmas.
  • Plan when to start to do things
          For example – do you need to talk with your parents or other relatives about where you will be holding Christmas next year? The bigger the change, the better it will be to give more notice. Nobody likes to have their age old assumptions changed at the last minute – “but, we always go to Auntie’s house on Christmas Eve”.
             When you need to talk to others, it will be helpful for you to be able to articulate your reasons for the change. Now in some circumstances, there is no need to tell people your reason, but if it is something that has been done for years and is assumed to be done the same way every year, it may go over better if your reasons, such as easier on the kids, more enjoyable, less stress, etc., are discussed.

          NOTE: Take into consideration with who you are discussing the changes. You may feel more comfortable discussing more detail with some people than others. Just be aware if you believe this is an individual who will have an argument for every reason you have for change, you may need to stick to an easier, more repeatable message without a lot of detail. Know your audience!

  • If you make the plan on an electronic calendar you have the advantage of setting up reminders
  •  By thinking backwards from when you want the task done, it can be easier to pace out tinier, more manageable steps.
  • Break down each task into specific, next action step. This makes it more doable and more likely to get done.

For example, sending out Christmas cards/letters/emails can include:
            - The name list
            - Gathering addresses
            - Buying the cards

            - Buying stamps
            - Addressing the cards

These are steps that can be done one at a time and can be completed before the Christmas season.


With pre-thought and pre-planning you can make your next Christmas more enjoyable and less stressful!

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    I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I work with individuals to help them get the life they truly want.

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